Let me remind the couples and married people in case they’ve forgotten: dating sucks.
Being single is a drag, and all the great things you’ve heard about dating apps are either completely untrue or largely embellished. But there’s a surprise lurking in the dating-app refuse pile. , the most reviled of the services, manages to add something positive to the universe. Not love, of course, but new music to listen to on Spotify.
Before we dive into my new music discovery breakthrough, let’s review the basics of the online dating scene: Every app is unbelievably bad, and they each have their own pitfalls. Match and OKCupid are filled with globs of aging duds who enjoy taking personality quizzes and writing long answers to really basic questions. These apps are like the carnival games of the dating world, with everyone yelling “step right up!” only to immediately burn you with a rigged ring toss.
Then there’s Bumble, where you’ll find younger, trendier, more successful, (and importantly) much hotter people than the other apps. You can link your Instagram and Spotify accounts to your profile on Bumble, too, if you want to give it a little more personality.
And then there’s Tinder.
Tinder is generally understood by singles as a place you can go to meet people for hookups or awkward dates. No one seems to take it very seriously. It’s basically the world’s shittiest game of roulette, with the winners living happily ever after, and the losers returning to their own sad, lonely existence.
When it launched in 2012, Tinder was revolutionary. It was the first mobile dating app to let you judge potential partners based on just a couple of photos and a tweet-sized biography. No more personality tests or selling yourself like a used car salesman. On Tinder, you swiped right if you thought the person was cute, and swiped left if you didn’t. If both people swiped right on each other they’d match, and could start messaging each other.
As time went on, Tinder started adding more features to make it easier for people to meet. It added a premium version in 2015, which let users swipe an unlimited number of times each day in addition to a few other perks. And then Tinder partnered with Spotify in 2016 to add a feature called “My Anthem,” which let users choose a single music track to help tell their story.
There is so much to love about this simple dating service, and yet, there’s still one major problem I’m having with my own Tinder experience: Even after paying $88 for a year of Tinder’s premium service, I’m not getting matched with anyone. It’s been a huge waste of money, at least judging by the three weeks that I’ve had it.
But there is at least one silver lining to this massive, heart-breaking disaster I’ve found myself in: I’m now discovering a ton of new music.
With my Tinder Gold membership, I crucially get an unlimited number of swipes every single day (non-premium users are capped if they swipe too often), and I’m trying my best to make use of it. I swipe in the mornings over coffee, during lunch while I’m waiting for the assembly line at Dos Toros to fold my burrito, and in the evenings right before bed. I’m free to swipe all the damn time, so long as my thumb doesn’t cramp, and I’m still ready to mingle.
But unlimited swiping hasn’t boosted my sex life in quite the way I’d hoped. In fact, I’ve gone from an abysmal 0 percent sex three weeks ago to the same 0 percent sex today. Where I’ve seen a crucial uptick in productivity is not in the number of people I’m hooking up with — it’s the number of new songs I’m adding to my Spotify playlists.
The truth is Tinder is secretly a trove of good music just waiting to be discovered. Sure, a lot of women in the New York City area do not even use the “My Anthem” feature, but the ones that do have introduced me to some real bangers. Now, I’ve practically given up on finding love. What I really care about is your anthem.
If you don’t believe me, just check out some of my favorites in the playlist below. You’ll find songs about heartache, sloppy make out sessions, not giving a frick, and a whole slew of other relatable experiences central to the life of a single guy with no matches.
So yeah, Tinder hasn’t gotten me any dates. But this dance party of one is the carnival game consolation prize I’m happy to win.
Swipe right if you see me, @NuneyBits!
Bonus Video: Mike Nuñez for Sale