Tech

Facebook’s dating service hasn’t even launched yet, and we already know it’s for old people

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If you’re ready to find your true love and/or are approaching retirement age, then have we got some news for you: Mark Zuckerberg has your back.

At Facebook’s annual developer conference, F8, the CEO announced plans to launch a dating service that will ostensibly compete with the likes of Tinder and Bumble. But, and let’s be real here, Zuckerberg omitted one key detail: it’s for the olds. 

Now, to his credit, Zuckerberg did at least hint at this undeniable truth. “This is going to be for building real long-term relationships,” explained the man who gave us FaceMash, “not hookups.”

Got that twenty-somethings? No. Hookups. On. Facebook.

Picture getting matched with your mom or dad’s Facebook friend.

But it goes deeper than that. We can be confident that Facebook Dating — or whatever it ends up being called — will largely appeal to the eHarmony set while simultaneously scaring away younger crowds for one simple reason: Facebook is tragically uncool.

That specific social-media platform has long since solidified its position as the go-to place for your daily dose of fake news, racist relatives, and annoying notifications. And that reality is wearing thin on younger users.

The Independent reported in February of this year that “[for] the first time, the majority of US internet users between the ages of 12 and 17 won’t use Facebook once a month this year.” 

Obviously that age group is not the dating-app demographic, but it speaks to the larger issue of young people abandoning the platform. 

NO HOOKUPS!!

NO HOOKUPS!!

But hey, maybe we’re not giving Facebook’s stab at matchmaking enough credit. Here’s how the company explains it:

“People will be able to create a dating profile that is separate from their Facebook profile — and potential matches will be recommended based on dating preferences, things in common, and mutual friends,” wrote a company spokesperson in a press release. “They’ll have the option to discover others with similar interests through their Groups or Events.” 

So, while it’s too early to know for sure, it sounds like Facebook is staying away from the swipe and sticking to a more old-school format. That will likely appeal to the 36 percent of Facebook’s US users who, according to market and consumer data site Statista, are 45 or older. 

Oh, and did you notice that line about “mutual friends”? Yeah? Picture getting matched with your mom or dad’s Facebook friend. 

Even if Facebook somehow guarantees that can never happen, the mere thought of it will be enough to keep the college students of the world on their well-worn Tinder accounts. 

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with Facebook being a dating platform for the elderly. Everyone deserves to find love, regardless of age. And, thanks to Facebook, the grandparents of the world will soon have another venue to seek it out. 

As long as those grandparents aren’t hooking up. Mark, after all, would not approve. 

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